The children and I were driving to our first day of school at our homeschool co-op last Thursday, in Orange, NJ. For those of you aware of my total lack of directional skills...you won't be surprise to hear that when our navigational system, (we call her Lily) started turning herself off...I was up a creek! It turns out the main cord was pushed in too much...but by the time I realized this we were a little bit off track. We were driving along and all of a sudden I said, "This road reminds me of Michaela's neighborhood...neat." And then a moment later we all yelled simultaneously, "That was La La's car!" We were in Bloomfield (unbenownst to me), and actually only 4 miles from our school. Go figure!
I had to turn the car around and leave a love note on Chael's car...if it had been any later than 9:15, we would have banged on her door. I'm no fool though, I know this girl...and there was no way she was awake! It was such a fun way to start the day, feeling so close to my little sissy...so often Bloomfield seems like it's oceans away. It made her seem closer somehow, knowing she was near our once-a-week school...and knowing that I could get lost and end up passing her house, of all houses, in this great wide world of ours. I had a warm fuzzy feeling for the rest of the day, like I'd had a morning coffee-visit with her or something. I guess in my mind I did! But now I miss her. It's a double edged sword for me. I have to somewhat disconnect from her in order to not miss her so much...but this little, wonderful surprise kind of awakened my longing to have more time with her. I haven't figured out how to miss her and long for time with her, let her go to have her own life during her college years, and not grieve. It sucks!
It's a glimpse into what parenthood with my own college-age children may be like...and it's one that I could live without.
I wouldn't trade the love, and bond, that I have with Chael for anything... or the grieving that it inevitably brought into my life because she HAD to grow up and make her own life. My healthily letting go has been my challenge, not hers. You might say, these growing pains of mine have been inevitable too. I'm proud of what she's working towards, what she's accomplishing now, the woman she's growing into...and I wouldn't want her to still be at home at my beck and call. She's living out the life that she's been given, to paraphrase Amy Grant.
BUT...if I had the chance to go back in time for one single lazy day...I'd take it.
Amy Grant wrote a song for her sister, as she saw her grieving the loss of her oldest son who'd gone off to college.
The first time I heard this song I started thinking about what it would be like when Michaela went away to school...oh my heart!
Your smile lights up a room
Life a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true
Missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopeful thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will
Missing you is just a part of living.
Missing you feels like a way of life.
I'm living out the life that I've been given...
But baby I still wish you were mine.
Love, B
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1 comment:
Oh, Brigid. The reminds me so much of when Gene went off to college - my baby! - and finally out on his own. I still miss him and think of him every day but I know he has to have his own life and he really is thriving. At least he still calls me once in a while!
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