Saturday, December 6, 2008

Blowin' in the Wind

I can hardly believe how much time has passed since I was last here, writing anything.

What a physical and emotional whirl-wind 2008 was for us. Many good things happened in our world, some not-so-good things happened too. This was one of the most exciting Presidential races I've experienced in my life, I'm sorry we have to wait another 4 years to take that ride again. All I can say is, it's time to get pumped about local politics, people. Yeah, I'm a bit of a junkie at this point. Financially, we are living in uncertain, and very interesting times. I've discovered that when you don't have much, you don't have much to lose! Honestly, it's a relief.

We have walked away from our nightmare of a house, and we are free at last. I can't describe the onslaught of emotions this experience has produced. Joy, relief, gratitude, crushing sadness. Even when a dream that's been unreachable (and often and frequently hell) dies, there's still the grief over that lost dream. Having to throw our hands up and admit that this building has us licked...the problems here are so much bigger than we can manage...it took many years of learning for us to be able to say "enough. we quite. you win."
We can finally just live our life, instead of living in a state of waiting for the next disaster to fall...or leak...or explode. Getting used to falling asleep without the dread of what might befall our money-pit in the middle of the night (all disasters seem to happen after midnight) will take some time. This has been a lesson is surrender, humility, and trust. God has left His mark all over this experience, has answered our prayers so promptly and directly that it's left our puny brains reeling. I can't remember a time when we've been this happy.

For me personally, this has been a tremendous year of growth. January 10th, 2008 I walked into my first 12-step meeting. Who knew it would rock my world, change my life in ways I never, ever dared imagine. I am feeling happier, younger, and more whole and alive than at any other point in my adult life. Turning 40 a few weeks ago was a big milestone...and it feels really damn good! Is this what 40 feels like? Why didn't anyone tell me to look forward to it?!

On the eve of my 4-0 I did what I do every year...I took a moment to write down some thoughts.

Tomorrow I turn 40. I turn 40?! the total and absolute impossibility of that just stagger me. I feel like I'm somewhere in the my mid-20's. I am, aren't I? I don't know how to grow up. I'm learning. I'm just trying to do the next right thing at any given moment. That's the very best I can offer. The last 11 months have been the most surprising, challenging, awe inspiring, exciting...and so much more. I thought Program would help me, sure. I didn't realize it would change me - my relationship with Matt, the way I parent the children, how I see the world, how I see my parents and siblings, and especially how I see myself and my life.

Yesterday we moved into Pop's condo. Tomorrow I have a milestone Birthday. I am floored by the turn my life has taken - so much love, so many blessings, so much gratitude. I can see that we're in a new, TRULY exciting chapter in our lives. I'm ready to receive all the Grace that God is pouring into my life.
I feel like I'm standing in an open doorway with the breeze washing through...and I'm ready for the Holy Spirit to lead me into that breeze.

Thank you, Jesus, for all the incredible ways you are reveling Yourself to me in my life.
Your hand prints are everywhere, and all over me. I'm one abundantly blessed woman.
My hands are open, and already full.

As I've said before, my cup runneth over. Again. :)
Peace~in Christ,
Brigid