To Have and to Hold

This has been such a crazy, rainy week. The children would remind me each morning during our breakfast prayers that we needed to pray for good weather for Saturday. My brother Greg's big day was coming, we were so excited for his wedding to lovely Meridith we could hardly stand it! Each day we had lots of rain, lighting, thunder...very atmaspheric, but not hopeful for a soon-to-be outdoor family wedding. We prayed and prayed...and Saturday dawned spectacularly beautiful and sunny. Picture perfect wedding weather!

Pulling up to Maura and Seth's farm and seeing the tents all set up...one large yellow and white striped tent for the dancing/band/bar area...additional white tents for dining, the buffet...amazing. There were white balloons tied along the fencing next to the road, people relaxing and greeting one another with cold drinks, music, and anticipation in the air. I spotted a new, lovely arbor in the shade under the giant tree, with a white runner leading to it from the house. I loved the look of the benches that Greg had made using long strips of wood and bales of hay. It looked like a scene from a movie. There was the outdoor "church", and it looked idyllic. When it was time for the wedding to start, everyone found a seat, or gathered around, and soft music wafted over the yard. Dried rose petals were sprinkled all over the runner, it was so pretty. Meri's brother walked his mother down the isle, and two cute young girls from the Sander's family followed in sundresses the color of fresh grass, carrying really gorgeous bouquets tied with ribbons. When Meridith appeared, the theme from Rocky began, and she beamed all the way down the isle on her fathers arm while we all clapped and cheered. Meridith was glowing and looking so gorgeous in her wedding dress. What a way to begin! The wedding itself was lovely, sincere, and touching...Mom and I (and many others!) were sniveling away during the vows. I had such a sence of how much love was flowing out and over the crowd, for Greg and Meridith, and how many prayers were covering over their journey to one another, leading to this day. The minister who married them had some wonderful things to say about the blessings of marriage, and the importance of faith and having Jesus in the center of your marraige relationship. You couldn't help but nod in agreement and grab your honey's hand...well, I know I did. It was a good reminder, inspiring, uplifting, and life-affirming. After the "You may kiss the bride!" moment, much to my shock and delight (I know I wasn't alone in this reaction based on the gasps, cheers, hoots and hollers that errupted) the Star Wars theme burst forth and the new Mr. and Mrs. Pooler walked up the isle together. It was the perfect combination of elements to create a sacred celebration experience.

The reception that followed this was fantastic...so much relaxing time to visit with people gathered from all walks of Greg and Meri's life. The food was scrumptious, all Italian yummies from Mama's in Mt. Olive. They did it up right, people. It was a hogatha of pastas, sausages, amazing mini calzones and wraps of all types, salad, stuffed mushrooms, you name it. We relaxed in the sunshine enjoying sangria (and an number of other delish drinks), laughter, catch-up visits and conversation...just awesome. Meg surprised us all by singing the song she'd written for Meri and Greg, and they danced to it as their first dance as husband and wife. It was beautiful, perfect. People had a chance to boogie down to fun live music as Greg, Shannon, Erin, Maura, and Art's band played fun and funky classic dance toons...and later Greg kept the party hopping with some expertly crafted party CD's he'd burned just for the occasion. A fantastic time was had by all. That evening a fire burned in the large fire pit and many of us gathered around for more chill time (because we hadn't relaxed enough, apparently!), to share more laughs, conversation and libations. Some of us headed home eventually, but there was much camping in the yard that night too, people had set up tents in the upper field. No one seemed daunted by the early dawn monsoon that swept in! I headed back to Budd Lake the next day, and most of the sisters, and Mom, gathered with Greg and Mer there to clean up and put away equiptment, etc. The cleaning took place in a major rain storm, but the when we finished the sun came out and made the whole yard glow. We gathered around one of the big tables with take out from the BLD (Budd Lake Diner)...everyone had grilled cheese on the brain for some reason...and stretched that meal into a long and relaxing celebration. With a little prompting we finally got the whole story of Greg and Meridiths courtship, we had never heard all the good details from Greg...he's such a man! None of us wanted that day to end, it was hard to say goodbye when we were all hugging and heading our seperate ways that evening. Why must all good things come to an end, I ask you?

It's experiences like this weekend that remind me of how rich this life is. Witnessing my brother, who I love so much, embarking on a new, anointed chapter in his life...having so much love for our new sister Meridith...celebrating their love and courage...it's all so good! This is what it's all about...family, Jesus, sunshine, music, breaking bread together, praying for one another, witnessing and supporting one anothers milestones, taking chances and staying open to new adventures, gathering those you love in one place whenever possible, and always remembering that we have the opportunity to love one another, till death do us part...and beyond.

My Fool

"I must learn to love the fool in me...the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks proises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humilty, and dignity but for my fool."
~Theodore I. Rubin, MD

Hello, Imperfect Me

I've been thinking about the idea of perfection lately. For me, if perfection is the goal, then there is no hope. I mean, I always fall short of perfection, so if that is the end all be all, then I am in big trouble! I find this notion of peaceful imperfection so infinitely hopeful. If I can stay focused on just being present to the various seasons of my life, what a gift. I have such a sense of the chapters and seasons I've lived through thus far...why did turning 40 make me so introspective? Yeah, I know. You're laughing because you know I've always been introspective. BUT, seriously, this is a whole new level of introspection. Scary, huh? I was realizing the other day that such a big part of my journey has been growing into a place of being comfortable in all my imperfection, not in trying to grow toward perfection. Perfectionism stalls me, stops me in my tracks, haults my forward momentum...it's like being stuck in quick sand. The more you fight it, the deeper you sink...but if you can just lean back and relaxxxx...you will be in a position where someone can help pull you out. "We can do together what we could never do alone." I remind myself of this all the time, and as I get older, it has so much more meaning for me.

Blowin' in the Wind

I can hardly believe how much time has passed since I was last here, writing anything.

What a physical and emotional whirl-wind 2008 was for us. Many good things happened in our world, some not-so-good things happened too. This was one of the most exciting Presidential races I've experienced in my life, I'm sorry we have to wait another 4 years to take that ride again. All I can say is, it's time to get pumped about local politics, people. Yeah, I'm a bit of a junkie at this point. Financially, we are living in uncertain, and very interesting times. I've discovered that when you don't have much, you don't have much to lose! Honestly, it's a relief.

We have walked away from our nightmare of a house, and we are free at last. I can't describe the onslaught of emotions this experience has produced. Joy, relief, gratitude, crushing sadness. Even when a dream that's been unreachable (and often and frequently hell) dies, there's still the grief over that lost dream. Having to throw our hands up and admit that this building has us licked...the problems here are so much bigger than we can manage...it took many years of learning for us to be able to say "enough. we quite. you win."
We can finally just live our life, instead of living in a state of waiting for the next disaster to fall...or leak...or explode. Getting used to falling asleep without the dread of what might befall our money-pit in the middle of the night (all disasters seem to happen after midnight) will take some time. This has been a lesson is surrender, humility, and trust. God has left His mark all over this experience, has answered our prayers so promptly and directly that it's left our puny brains reeling. I can't remember a time when we've been this happy.

For me personally, this has been a tremendous year of growth. January 10th, 2008 I walked into my first 12-step meeting. Who knew it would rock my world, change my life in ways I never, ever dared imagine. I am feeling happier, younger, and more whole and alive than at any other point in my adult life. Turning 40 a few weeks ago was a big milestone...and it feels really damn good! Is this what 40 feels like? Why didn't anyone tell me to look forward to it?!

On the eve of my 4-0 I did what I do every year...I took a moment to write down some thoughts.

Tomorrow I turn 40. I turn 40?! the total and absolute impossibility of that just stagger me. I feel like I'm somewhere in the my mid-20's. I am, aren't I? I don't know how to grow up. I'm learning. I'm just trying to do the next right thing at any given moment. That's the very best I can offer. The last 11 months have been the most surprising, challenging, awe inspiring, exciting...and so much more. I thought Program would help me, sure. I didn't realize it would change me - my relationship with Matt, the way I parent the children, how I see the world, how I see my parents and siblings, and especially how I see myself and my life.

Yesterday we moved into Pop's condo. Tomorrow I have a milestone Birthday. I am floored by the turn my life has taken - so much love, so many blessings, so much gratitude. I can see that we're in a new, TRULY exciting chapter in our lives. I'm ready to receive all the Grace that God is pouring into my life.
I feel like I'm standing in an open doorway with the breeze washing through...and I'm ready for the Holy Spirit to lead me into that breeze.

Thank you, Jesus, for all the incredible ways you are reveling Yourself to me in my life.
Your hand prints are everywhere, and all over me. I'm one abundantly blessed woman.
My hands are open, and already full.

As I've said before, my cup runneth over. Again. :)
Peace~in Christ,
Brigid

Out of the mouths of my babes...

Almost daily something funny or touching happens, or is said, that I want to remember forever. I should write these things down.
"You should write those things down!" my mother is always saying. Noooo...really?! I keep meaning too, but life just sweeps me along.
Here are a few that pop into my mind as I'm heading off to bed.

The second day the children woke up in our home, they both gathered at the kitchen window early in the morning while I was making breakfast. They were still very quiet, and Briana piped up with, "Can we go play in the park?" "What park, Sweetie?" I asked rather distractedly. "That one." she said pointing out the window. "That's our back yard, Briana. You can certainly play there." "That belongs to you?" She asked with surprise in her voice. "Well, that belongs to all of us now, it's your back yard too, Briana." She began instantly to tell Brandon how much fun they were going to have in their new back yard, and all the games they would play. I was wiping my tears over at the sink, of course...and NOT because I was in desperate need of coffee, mind you.

One evening Briana was talking about how excited she was for Christmas. She said she couldn't wait to wake up on Christmas morning and get her stocking full of goodies and canned goods. "Canned goods?" we asked? "Yeah, like candy and stuff." Hmmmm...someone may be getting a can of creamed corn in their stocking from here on out, along with the goodies, it will be a funny new tradition.

When I took the children to shop for Matt's Christmas presents this year, we made a day of it and went to the Rockaway Mall. They've only been there once before, and are completely enthrauled by it. Since their Mama isn't a fan of shopping (I've got hobbies, thanks.), we do NOT do the mall thing. They've been begging to go for about 2 yrs.
We got there early in the morning, and had a lot of fun with our list of gift ideas we'd put together, focusing all our attention on what Papa would LOVE to recieve. They'd been talking about how they KNEW that Santa was sometimes in malls, they'd experienced this when they were really young...we have the photo to prove it. They both kept saying, "He's probably not here. He's probably busy in the North Pole." They clearly didnt' want to get their hopes up...it was quite touching to see how cautious they were. I surprised them by leading them right to the "Santa area" of the mall, and they were shrieking and jumping up and down with joy, their arms wrapped around my leg and waist. Briana had tears in her eyes she was so beside herself. There was practically no one there, so we were able to get to him in moments. Both children rushed him and threw their arms around him. He was quite surprised! Brandon scrambled right up onto his knee (uninvited, mind you), and Briana sat next to him, snuggled right up under his arm. She looked up at him with sheer bliss on her face and said, "I would like a doll bed." And Brandon said, "I'd like a train. And a reindeer. Please." "I'll, I'll do my best..." Santa answered a bit weakly.
The picture of the children with Santa is one of the best pictures I've ever seen of them. They looked totally joyful, relaxed, and full of blissful wonder. It was a precious experience for me! We gave the picture to Matt as a surprise Christmas gift.

At the end of bedtime prayers last night, Briana clearly wanted to prolong the actual going to bed part of the ritual. She quickly asked if she could say a "special prayer" for all of us. She began quite seriously, "Dear Lord, please help us to love one another... and to be more complicated (WHAT?!)", blah, blah, blah...she began throwing in BIG vocab words left and right that made no sense at all, I do believe the word obliterated was used...and finally I had to cut her off and say, "Ahhh, Bri? Do you know what any of those words mean?"
Matt and I were totally laughing at this point, and she giggled and said, "Nahhhh...not really."
Man...such a staller, no?

Briana recieved a super cute horseback riding themed computer game for Christmas, from Brandon. It's a story about a young girl who's family moved to the country from the "big city", and they buy a farm, and she gets to have a horse of her own. Did I mention it's super cute? Anyway, the graffics are great (man, am I such a geek that I was compelled to mention that?!), and after she spent an afternoon playing it, she was dying for me to join in on the fun and give it a try myself. I was happy to oblige. She quickly got bored watching me learn the ropes of the game, and went off to play with new dollies and such. Brandon was glued to my side though, still soooo obsessed with everything horses. When I FINALLY was able to successfully jump the horse in the practice ring, he threw his arms around me and said,
"Mama, that makes me want to marry you right now!"
Woah, Nellie... :)

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas...

Before we put 2007 to bed, I thought I'd better pause and ponder a bit about some of the things that have been a part of my world since I started writing here.

Reading back over my blog entries, there are SO many stories, happenings, challenges, and blessings that didn't get written about. Shoot! There just aren't enough hours in a day to tell it all.

In the Fall of '06 my sister Shannon married her sweet husband, Ian. What a truly joyous way to begin that winter. It's been wonderful to watch them become a married couple, the love they have for one another is a beautiful evidence of God's Grace, for all of us.

This Sept. the children and I began our adventure with the St. Gregory the Great Homeschool Co-Op. It's been such a wonderful experience of community. Being a part of a group of truly on-fire women who share the richness of our Catholic faith, offer mutual support, and who are deeply commited to creating a rich educational experience for all our children...wow. There are no words! It's been a gigantic blessing and asset to our family.

The children had their first experience performing in the NJ Civic Youth Ballet production of The Nutcracker, a few weeks ago. This professional ballet company experience for children, who get to work along side adult pro's...what a cool thing! I was asked to give one of the important props of the show, the Swan Sleigh, a total make-over. I got it moved into my kitchen, and then it began to rain...and that turned to snow....and so the swan stayed and stayed and stayed...smack dab in the middle of kitchen. Thanksgiving was only days away, and I was still coating the entire thing in irridecent glitter. It DID get finished in time for me to host a small group for Thanksgiving at my house, minus the swan. It shimmered and sparkled on the stage, thank goodness...and if anyone wonders where the fairies live...they must be here at #27 Forest Rd., because no amount of vacuuming is removing the ever-present pixie dust that now resides here. Both children had a wonderful, truly fun experience being a part of the production. It's certainly an experience that none of us will ever forget. They were the cutest tin soldiers I've EVER seen, that's for SURE!

I've been working on my novel (if that's not the most grandious sounding statement, I don't know WHAT is)...or maybe I should say I've been "playing novelist", randomly and sporatically, for months now. My inspiration comes and goes, but the other night I found myself working on the storyline at about 3 a.m. while laying in bed trying to trick my body into thinking I'm actually asleep. I may be ready keep going, and put some of those nocturnal ponderings into my computer. You never know. But what a fun thing to fool around with!

Briana is prepairing to recieve the Sacrament of Reconcilliation in January, and then her First Communion in May. I can hardly take that in! So much bounty in one year! It's so exciting to see her SO thrilled with what she's learning in CCD. She turned to me when we were walking up for me to recieve Eucharist on Christmas Eve, and she and I hold hands (otherwise who ever is handing out Eucharist tries to give to her too, because she's so tall!) so I can keep her next to me, and she whispered with such intensity, "I can't wait until I can recieve Jesus!" It's moments like that that remind me why I was born.

Matt and I watched what was promised to be the most scientific, definitive special FINALLY laying bare all the evidence about the existence of Sasquatch, or you might say, Big Foot.
I am sorry to inform all of you that even after extensive research that was indeed layed bare during two grueling hours of tv viewing...I may NOT be a believer after all.
But all is not lost, tonight there's another show about Swamp Creatures that promises similar proof...I'll keep you posted.

I've had a really great experience in my Physical Therapy, for this darn knee. All is quieted down for now, no impending surgery at present. I'll wait until Spring to set up a summer surgery, if the Dr. still agrees to do it. All in all, the prayers of everyone this time around truly made a difference in my life. The recovery has been pretty great, and my life is not too hampered at the moment...so I'm content for the time being. My ice dancing (pairs, of course) career may be shot to hell...but hey, I'll be 40 next November, so the whole thing had a shelf life anyway.

Reuniting with my old classmates from Mt. St. John's after 20 yrs. was a REALLY special happening in 2007. It's been so wonderful to keep track of one another via e-mails, to see so many pictures of their beautiful children...and to just be reconnected. What an amazing group of strong, bright, accomplished women...to think we all wore knee highs, started food fights, and mocked our teachers together!

Sharing in the 20 yr. reunion in my home town, for the Bernards High class of '87 was another wonderful happening this year. It was so amazing to talk with people I've not seen in so many years...to see some of the people who had such an impact on my teen years and my faith journey, and to share some beautiful, and often hysterical, memories. What a rich life I have, and what a blessing this reunion was.

My sister Erin Patricia, and her husband Lou, announced the impending arrival of their first child, this Fall. She now has an adorable baby belly...and is one of the prettiest pregnant girls you could ever see! She's due in April, only a few weeks before Meghan get's married...so we'll all be begging for turns holding the baby throughout that festive day, I'm sure. Erin is one of the most beautiful women I know, watching her grown in holy womanhood during her college years was such a huge blessing for me and my life. She and I became dear friends, companions on the journey, during that precious time. I'm so proud of who she is, and seeing her carrying this new life, it's such a miracle! I can't wait to know this little person who Erin, Lou and God created together. This will be just one more way that God reveals Himself to me, I'm sure.

Matt and I celebrated our third Christmas with our children, this year. Our morning at home was just wonderful. They make everything so magical! Gift giving and recieving was more fun that it's been since I was a child, and we had a beautiful brunch together around our dining room table. It was a really special day, of course. We celebrated Christmas afternoon/evening this year at Maura and Seth's house here in Budd Lake. What a cozy day we had! Everyone gathered to share delectable food offerings, wine (shots of Irish Whiskey), time around the fire place in the dining room, and around the wood stove in the living room (man, we love FIRE)...we did our Secret Santa gift exchange (always so fun and festive), we sang carols while Maura accompanied us on guitar...and all-in-all had the most festive and picture perfect Christmas I can remember in my adult life. I don't think anyone wanted the day to end.

Matt and I are nearing our 14th Wedding Anniversary, on Feb. 25th. I've been really aware of what a life-changing blessing he's been to my universe these past 14 yrs. I can honestly say that he's so much more than I even imagined...way back when. His ability to empathise with others, how communicative he is about his love for me, how well he lives out his vocation as husband and father...Jesus is revealed to me through Matt in ways that I never thought I'd deserve! Do you know that song from The Sound of Music that Maria and the Captain sing to one another? It's when they finally admit that they are in love..."nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could...so somewhere in my wicked childhood, I must have done something good...for here you are standing there, loving me...whether or not you should..." they are awed that such incredible love has come to them. That's exactly how I feel! I know, I've taken my geekdom to a whole new level admitting my deep connection to that song...but that song plays through my mind on a regular basis. That might be my internal theme song for my relationship with Matt. He's a continual revelation to me, a daily blessing, the best friend I've ever had, my greatest champion, so often the preserver of my dreams, and the greatest evidence I've had for 14 yrs. that Love is a Mighty thing. No matter what life throws at you. No matter what.

And there you have it. This is still absolutely inadequate in representing the beauty of all the people and experiences that I'm so richly blessed to have in my life.

2007 was another year of growing, loving, and living the life that I've been blessed to recieve. I look forward to all the ways that 2008 will unfold because I know Who'll be holding us all the while.

You all will continue to be in our prayers, and I pray that this new year will bring many blessings to you and yours. Sending Christmas hugs, New Year's cheers, and a lot of love.
Peace~in Christ,
Brig

Eat Pray Love

I just read the most delectable, delicious book. I say that because if I could eat it with a fork and ingest the whole thing I would. It's that good. The writing is just...there are NO words that will do it justice! If I had to make a list of the top 5 books I've read in the last 10 years...this would be one of them. Right under The Secret Life of Bees, lest we forget! This book is split into three sections...each one representing 1/3 of a year when she devoted her life to searching for God. She went to Italy in the pursuit of Pleasure, India in pursuit of Devotion, and Bali in pursuit of Balance. Although her beliefs, and path to God, differ from mine...I found her humility and bravery to be touching and inspiring. She's wholly human, flawed, sincere and deeply funny. I don't think it matters what your religious/faith affiliation is when you read this book, it left me with a (renewed) deeper gratitude for my Catholicism, and my relationship with Jesus. If you are as touched by other peoples faith journeys, as I am, this book will be a feast.

I put the link for the authors web site here because what Elizabeth Gilbert says here about writing has really touched me.

Reading this essay has me realizing that maybe the magic moment of knowing when and what and where to write has been here all along for me. I've been placing an enormous amount of value on my making (or not making, as the case may be) the pointed decision to write something with the idea of pursing being published. What I get from Gilbert's essay is that maybe what I should care about is just being read...just sharing what comes out, even if it's value isn't all that apparent to me beyond the obvious value of the actual getting-it-out experience. So, with that said...I hope you enjoy her musings, and that it inspires you too.

Also, if I could tell you to RUN, literally run and buy or borrow any book TODAY...well, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert would be it.

http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm

Also, if you read this book by Gilbert and want to see the entire Oprah episode with her as the guest, I've got it stored in my TV and would LOVE to share it with any of you who'd like to come over! :)